Today I'm sitting in the same hospital cafeteria I would visit when Ethan was a patient here five and a half years ago. I never ate the cafeteria food, but I would get a Diet Coke and a little bag of Cheese-Its from the vending machines.
Those long months were the first and only time that I couldn't eat.
Ethan is in a speech therapy evaluation next door. His speech and language skills are miraculous. He just needs help slowing down and speaking a little louder. Unfortunately, mom and dad have been a little too willing to translate and make things easier on him. We need a good speech therapist to "crack the whip." just kidding
It's hard not to have my mind flooded with memories as I sit here.
It's kind of like remembering an old movie you've watched. And then you remember that it wasn't something you watched. It was something you lived.
I remember a particular prayer I prayed to God over and over again when I would be sitting in the hospital room with Ethan. My prayer was a question. "Lord, what do you want me to do?"
God had been so good. So present and close. I had heard Him speak His words to me. I had seen Him in so many people.
I wanted to give back. I was willing to do whatever He asked me to do.
But I didn't know what it was.
So, again and again, I would ask, "Lord, what do you want me to do?"
And every single time the answer was the same.
He didn't ask me to see.
He didn't ask me to understand.
He didn't even ask me to be patient.
And, God never offered to tell me what His plans were for Ethan.
He only said, "Trust me."
Every time I asked, the answer was the same. "Trust me."
I can remember one time saying, "Lord, I know. I know. Trust you. But what else?"
Again the answer was, "Trust me."
And here I sit, five years later.
During those five years, I've been places with God that words can't describe. He has been so close, I have actually felt Him hold me in His arms.
There have been times when I have trusted Him when it appeared I had every reason to give up.
There have been times I didn't.
There have been times that I've been angry and disappointed with God. With His choices for me and Ethan. I've doubted and questioned everything I knew to be true.
Pain does that.
But as He would draw me close and comfort me, the words I would hear Him speak were the same two words I heard over and over again in the hospital. "Trust me."
So here I sit. . . with my Diet Coke . . . trying to say no to the Cheese-Its calling me from the vending machine.
And. . .
God still hasn't told me His plans.
I still don't see or understand.
Over the years, He has given me things to do. He has asked me to put my faith into action. But the things He has asked me to do have never seemed as important, or as urgent, as those two words I still hear. "Trust me."