Here I am. You see me. You know what I am thinking.
Why? Why are we here? Is it a dream? Will I wake up?
Imagining that it is a dream that I will wake up from, brings me relief. Imagining, that I will open my eyes and I will see Ethan strong and healthy brings me joy. If only for a few seconds.
We are at physical therapy. A golf course is across the street. He should be on the golf course playing golf. I should be watching him play golf. But today, he is sitting on a mat, a low table, learning how to balance. The first step in learning to sit alone.
I use to hope that Ethan would hit a good tee shot. Make a long putt. Today, I hope to see something Ethan can do that he couldn’t do last time. Anything.
I use to love to hear people say, “Ethan, great shot... you’re the big man!” Today, I want to hear Robin, the therapist say, “Ethan, that’s great. You couldn’t do that before.” I want her to mean it.
Some days are easier than others.
You see the tears welling up. Hold them back.
This looks impossible.
So has everything else over the last 41/2 years.
He’s still my child. He is still Ethan. I am proud of him. A great shot. Sinking a long putt. Shooting below par. Sitting for 5 seconds alone. Trying so hard to make something happen. Wanting us to be proud. He is still mine.
And I am still yours. When my faith is this long-----.
Or, when my faith is this long-----------------------------------------------------------------.
I am still yours.
I don’t think I am going to wake up.
There's a song by Bebo Norman in my head.
God, My God. I cry out.
Your beloved needs you now.
God, be near, calm my fear and take my doubt.
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in.
I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb.
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer of the oceans raging wild.
I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside.
I will lift my eyes. Lift my eyes. To You.
God, my God, let mercy sing
Her melody over me.
God, right here all I bring is all of me.
'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me.
'Cause you fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God.
So hold me now.
God, my God, I cry out,
Your Beloved needs You now.
I am the Beloved.